I want a friend and a firepit

Posted: October 2, 2010 in me

A long time ago, in the early days of dating my first husband, he took me to visit his friends. I knew from the moment we walked in to the house that these were different people then I’d associated with. There was a mixed tape of lemonheads, ramones and misfits music playing in the background. Yeah alot of drinking was going on, but it wasn’t a kegger or anything- these people were discussing. In groups of two or three or even more they stood in huddled groups and discussed politics and world news and Che( who I had never even heard of before). I was so happy because these were people I wanted to get to know, wise,open minded, artistic people. And I was sad because I couldn’t seem to make myself join in anywhere. But I sat and I listened eventually I even talked to a few people , even to the host who shared a love of batman and wing tattoos. Later,the party moved outside and around a gravel lined area where a fire pit sat in the middle, and people were still laughing and debating and then laughing some more.it was nice.

It reminded me of one of my favorite parts in the little women movie with wyonna Ryder. She’s listening to Mr Baeurs friends debating over whether women should be allowed to vote, when they ask her opinion. She gives this brillant response of course and one of the friends says, you should’ve been a lawyer, Miss March and she answers, I should’ve been a great deal of things. End scene.

I, alas, never had the chance for saying something brillant, I never got to debate my point- I just stood or sat and nodded and smiled way too much. Everyone probably thought I was semi- brain dead. I regret it now I wish I had tried harder to engage- I never got another chance. The weekends after that my boyfriend tried to visit me more often, he could get the time off work easier and we lived 2 1/2 hrs away from each other. Then we married and all free time was consumed with the in laws and family functions.

I don’t even know why I thought of it today, except that I felt a little lonely. And I thought wouldn’t it be great to have a place like that fire pit and people all gathered around me to converse with? And wouldn’t it be really great if I had no shyness and I was as much me as I am when I’m not overcome with it. I want friends who don’t always neccessarily agree with me, but listen to my point and give me a chance to listen to theirs. I don’t want to be pandered to- Im tired of polite niceties.I’m so sick of my statuses on facebook being “liked”. Talk to me engage with me, even if it’s to disagree with me. At least give me that. I just want a friend who is themselves and is ok with me being myself. Wouldn’t that be nice?

  1. Michelle says:

    That would be wonderful. The older I get, the more I think of this, and how much I regret never joining in the discussions. I was always the outsider, too afraid to speak my thoughts; more afraid of being laughed at and disagreed with. But now, with each passing year, I’ve become bolder, more outgoing. I think about what I say, but I speak my mind more. I figure, if I’m to make lifelong friends, then people should know me upfront; all of me. Love me for me, or walk the other way. There’s no more time for bullshit and stepping on eggshells around real friends. True friends will love you no matter what; the good and the bad sides of you… all of you.

    Great post!

    • squidmom says:

      Michelle, thank you so much! I’m annoyed because this comment was hiding in my spam folder for some reason, but I’m really glad that I found it. I too as I get older am more open to sharing with other people, more likely to join in conversations. Youth is wasted on the young, but we still have time left I think. Thanks for stopping by and commenting!

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